How to Deal with Confusing People

Co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: December 19, 2023 References

People are complicated. It’s normal to feel confused by someone’s behavior or words from time to time. Luckily, clearing up your confusion is often as simple as just talking to the other person and asking what’s up. In this article, we’ll talk you through a few ways to react the next time someone’s actions leave you scratching your head.

1

Stay calm.

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Confusing behavior can be upsetting. However, it will be easier to figure out what’s going on if you keep a level head. Instead of getting upset or reacting with anger, take a few deep breaths. It might also help to count backwards from 10.^{[1]
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- Identify the problem and how you’re feeling about it. Say something to yourself like, “I don’t understand why they’re acting this way, and that’s pretty frustrating. But I’m going to try to figure out what’s going on before I respond.”

2

Avoid making assumptions.

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It’s easy to jump to conclusions about other people’s behavior. But when your assumptions don’t match reality, they can cause even more confusion. When somebody does or says something that seems strange to you, avoid trying to guess why they did it. Instead, try communicating with them directly about what’s going on.^{[2]
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- For instance, maybe you find yourself thinking something like, “Why didn’t Florence answer me when I said hi? She must be mad at me!” Stop and ask yourself, “Is that necessarily true? Is it possible that she’s distracted for some reason, or that she just didn’t hear me?”
- Or, “When I asked Roderick where he was going this afternoon, he gave me a really vague answer. I’m worried that he’s hiding something from me, but maybe he just didn’t want to talk about it in front of my sister.”

3

Ask for clarification.

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Sometimes, asking a few questions is enough to clear the air. Talk to the person in a calm, non-judgmental way.^{[3]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.} Say something like, “I’m not sure I understand what you meant by that. Could you please explain?”
- It can be helpful to clarify what your confusion is about, too. For instance, “I’m a little confused, because it seems like you’re upset with me, but I’m not sure why. Is something on your mind?”
- If you’re confused by something somebody said, say something like, “I didn’t quite get what you were saying earlier about what happened at work. Could you explain it to me again?”

4

Listen carefully to what they’re saying.

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Make an effort to genuinely understand. When the other person is speaking, resist the urge to interrupt or plan what you want to say next. Instead, focus completely on what they’re saying. If you need to, ask questions or rephrase what they say in your own words to make sure you understand.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might say something like, “Okay, it sounds like you were excited about hanging out with me tonight, but then you had a really hard day at school and now you’re too tired. Is that right?”

5

Pay attention to their body language.

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Sometimes you have to look for clues in a person’s behavior. It can be especially confusing if someone’s words don’t match their expressions, tone, or body language. When that happens, you may need to read between the lines. As you talk, watch them closely—do they seem tired? Upset? Distracted?^{[5]
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- Sometimes, people accidentally send the wrong message with their body language. For instance, some people have intense facial expressions that make them look angry or upset when they are actually just concentrating.^{[6]
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  Research source} If you’re not sure, try saying something like, “You look angry. Is everything okay?”
- Sometimes, a person’s body language can give you a hint that they’re lying or hiding something. For example, they might shake their head “no” while saying “yes.”^{[7]
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6

Look for patterns that might explain their behavior.

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Observe the person for a while if you can. Even if someone’s actions or words seem bizarre to you, there’s typically a reason behind them. If you spend a lot of time around the person, see if you can figure out what circumstances tend to trigger the confusing behaviors. This might help you understand them a lot better!^{[8]
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- Once you see a pattern, try to put two and two together. For instance, “Okay, I was confused because I thought Michelle just gets snappy at random, but it seems like it usually happens right before lunch. Maybe she just feels on edge when she’s hungry.”

7

Try to put yourself in their shoes.

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Practicing empathy can make others easier to understand.^{[9]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.} It can be easy to judge and dismiss another person when their behavior seems strange to you. Instead, do your best to be curious and open-minded. Try to imagine the world from their perspective. Notice your differences, but also look for things you have in common.^{[10]
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- For instance, maybe you’re baffled because a coworker started laughing after hearing some tragic news. Instead of dismissing them as being heartless, ask yourself: “Have I ever laughed when I was nervous, uncomfortable, or upset? Is it possible that they’re reacting that way out of anxiety and not because they actually think this is funny?”

8

Set boundaries if their behavior is upsetting.

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Unpredictable behavior can be harmful. While confusion often comes from innocent misunderstandings or poor communication, sometimes it can be a sign of a bigger problem. If someone in your life regularly behaves in unpredictable, inconsistent, or upsetting ways, it’s okay to set limits with them. Let them know that the behavior isn’t acceptable to you.^{[11]
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- You could say, “It’s really disorienting when you say you want a relationship with me, but then you don’t call or answer my texts for several days at a time. If we’re going to be together, we need to sit down and talk about what’s going on.”

9

Watch for the warning signs of mind games.

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If the person you’re dating is acting “off,” trust your instincts. And remember, it’s probably not about you. If your relationship is fizzling and you’re confused about why, or you feel like you keep getting a lot of mixed signals from your partner, it’s time to have an honest talk about what’s going on.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.} If they won’t open up to you, or you still have a feeling that they’re not being completely honest, it may be time to move on.^{[13]
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- For instance, they might act passionate and deeply in love one moment, but cold and distant the next. Or, they may refuse to answer your questions about how they view your relationship and what kind of future they see with you.
- Say something like, “I love you and want us to be together, but I’m having a hard time understanding how you really feel about us. Can we talk about this?”
- If you’re having trouble communicating with your SO, but you still get the sense that they’re willing to work on things with you, consider going to couples counseling with them.

10

Limit contact with people who confuse you on purpose.

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Some people intentionally confuse others to manipulate them. This is a form of toxic or abusive behavior. If you often find yourself feeling confused or “crazy” after talking to the person, it’s possible that they’re manipulating you. As much as possible, steer clear of people like this—or seek advice from a therapist if it’s someone you’re in a relationship with. A manipulative or toxic person may:^{[14]
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- Lie to you frequently, even when it doesn’t seem necessary
- Deny things that they said or did, or accuse you of making things up or mis_remembering things (this behavior is called “gaslighting”)
- Blame you or try to make you feel guilty about things they did
- Avoid confrontation by deflecting, ignoring you, or shutting the conversation down
- Keep you off-balance by being nice sometimes and mean at other times
- Act intimidating or make threats
- Act like they’re being victimized when you try to stand up for yourself

11

Seek help if the person’s behavior seems erratic or dangerous.

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Confusing behavior is sometimes a sign of a serious problem. If the person’s behavior or speech patterns seem bizarre, extremely different from what’s typical for them, or potentially dangerous to themselves or others, it’s possible that they are dealing with a serious issue, like a mental health crisis. If you’re concerned, reach out to a healthcare professional for advice. They can help you figure out the best way to help the person.^{[15]
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- If you’re worried that the person is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else, call emergency services as soon as you can do so safely.

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How do you deal with difficult people in your life?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Say something like, “I feel very confused and upset when you suddenly start insulting me out of nowhere. I’m not going to talk to you when you’re acting that way. We can try again when you’re ready to talk respectfully.”

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