Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law has never seemed to like me much, and I’m genuinely unsure why. Although I wish this were different, I know I’m socially awkward and quiet, so perhaps it’s that. What I don’t understand is why she doesn’t seem to like my son (let’s call him “K”). She has multiple grandchildren, including my partner’s older son (my stepson—let’s call him “A”), but treats our 18-month-old K differently. And yes, K is her biological grandchild too. She didn’t attend K’s first birthday celebration but never misses birthdays for any of the other grandchildren. She will travel the same distance to see A and spend three to four days with him but sees K for only one or two hours of that time (despite us inviting her over). Even when A is at our place, she will ignore K for most of the visit and will almost exclusively pay attention to A. My partner has tried to raise this with her as it upsets him greatly; however, she refuses to communicate about it other than to say the conversation upsets her.
It’s not that she doesn’t like babies/toddlers—she adores them. She has other grandchildren of a similar age and dotes on them. What on earth can I do to help K? I am terrified he’ll grow up to think it’s his fault or that the other grandchildren are more lovable than him.
—Confused Mother
Dear Confused,
This beef is best handled between your partner and his mom. He needs to raise the issue again, and if she tries to get out of it by saying the conversation hurts her, he needs to stand firm and say that this dynamic is hurting him every day. I’d also suggest he deploy some radical candor. He needs to come right out and say, “It’s clear to me that you don’t care about K, and I want to know why.” Sometimes people don’t have the vocabulary to express themselves, so stating this fear right away might get the conversation going.
If she’s not forthcoming, can he speak to a trusted sibling to see if they know anything about what is going on? I would not be at all surprised if one of them does. You could also try a little experiment: Have your husband issue invitations to your mother-in-law and make it clear that you won’t be around. See if she accepts more often or engages with K more. If so, then you at least know that this is more about you than your son (crummy though that would be).
At the end of the day, you hold some particular leverage: access to A and your partner. Your partner may need to have a come-to-Jesus moment with his mom in which he issues an ultimatum: Include K or lose access to him and his other son. Nobody wants to threaten or guilt someone into being around more, but sometimes these drastic actions are the only ways people respond.
I want you to be prepared that you might never get a satisfactory resolution here—either because she won’t cop to whatever her issue is or because the issue is something you can’t do anything about. No matter what, I suggest you keep watching the situation and have serious conversations with your partner about what you will do if her ambivalence continues as K grows up. Whether you both contemplate moving, having frank openness with your son and/or investing more of your energy into a chosen family, your first duty is to your kid. Good luck.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My older brother, “Ethan,” is 23 and in grad school getting his Ph.D. He is autistic, is really anxious, and doesn’t make friends easily. Ethan signed a lease on an apartment in November for the fall 2024–25 school year with his friend “Sam,” who turned out to be a girl. I think she could easily be described as his platonic female best friend. Ethan and Sam are clearly very close, and she is also clearly very shy and anxious too. They could be dating, I guess, but they’ve both denied it, and I have no reason to believe he’s lying. (Ethan has told me before that he thinks he’s asexual.)
Our mom is freaking out over the possibility of Ethan moving in with a girlfriend, which I find funny because they know that my dorm is across the hall from my actual boyfriend’s. Ethan got diagnosed with autism only a few years ago, but ever since we were kids, our parents, especially our mom, have been much more protective of him because he is different. She keeps badgering him to change his mind or get him to cancel the lease or even stay at home and commute an hour each way. He keeps refusing, but both of them are pretty stubborn. (Ethan and I have long believed that our mom is also autistic.)
I know this will make for an awkward Easter (the next time we’re all at home together) if they keep arguing about this. I want to take Ethan’s side. I know that constantly arguing with our mom about this will make his mental health even worse, and our dad is doing everything in his power to stay out of it. I’m struggling to find ways to support my brother without upsetting my mom. She doesn’t have a coherent argument as to why it’s bad for my brother to move in with a female friend. Sam’s parents are apparently all right with it (not that that would matter either). I’m the only one standing up for my brother, which he’s said he appreciates. (Our other sibling isn’t responding to anything.)
—Supportive Sister
Dear Supportive,
I think you need to talk to your dad and figure out a game plan. His wife is spiraling with worry, which is causing her son a lot of stress that he might not be equipped to handle. I understand that she might be concerned for his safety (physical or emotional), but by perseverating on this issue and suggesting he abandon his roommate, she’s adding stress to and removing social opportunities from her son—the exact things he’s struggled with over the years. She needs to hear it framed that way; as her partner, your dad might be able to get through in a way that you cannot.
The world can be a challenging place for autistic people, and it’s natural for a parent to worry that their child might not be equipped to face these challenges. But, your mom cannot expect Ethan to remain in her “protection” forever. Now is the perfect time—while he’s still in school and relatively close by—to take some leaps of faith and allow him to fledge a bit.
Perhaps one way you can help is by visiting Ethan often at his place; it sounds as if you might live close enough. Just go up there and hang out periodically, or if you are too far away, do some Zoom calls or online gaming with him and Sam—things where you get a sense of their dynamic. Your mom might get peace of mind knowing you’re “on alert” for any drama, but more importantly, you’d get to continue forging an adult relationship with your sibling, which is a new adventure in itself.
I’d also ask Ethan what he wants or needs ahead of Easter. Ask him how you can help and be prepared to follow through. It sounds like Ethan really relies on you as an ally in all this. I’m not sure you will be able to talk your mom out of spiraling, but I do know you can give him consistency and support. That might be enough for now.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 42-year-old queer cis woman in a poly relationship. I live alone and have no children. I’ve been working with kids as an educator for most of my life; I adore children and am great with them, and I always thought I’d have kids on my own. But I feel like I set roadblocks for myself whenever I consider it. For example, I have a couple of chronic illnesses that make solo pregnancy and infant-rearing a little too risky; I think I’d be a great foster parent, but I get very anxious about contributing to the problematic ethics of that system; my freelance income makes adoption difficult (and I don’t love the ethics of that system either); being poly means that “stepparent” isn’t a straightforward role. (I’m very close to my partner’s kid, for instance, but I’ll never have a live-in relationship with that partner.) I don’t need to have an infant or give birth, but I always really wanted to raise children, and I feel like I’m almost too old now and that I’ve been too passive and have just let time pass. My sister, who is straight and married, is pregnant with her first child, and it’s making me wonder if I have just not had the right priorities.
My life is full of amazing children to whom I am an aunt, a mentor, a teacher, a family friend—all roles that I love. But I don’t know if it’s enough for me, and I don’t know how to figure it out before I let the rest of my life go by.
—Apparently Not a Parent
Dear Apparently,
Obviously, I can’t tell you whether you should have a child. I can give you a few things to think about though. First, I appreciate that you are cognizant of the problematic aspects of fostering and adoption. On the other hand, bringing a new child into the world increases your/your family’s carbon footprint significantly, and many people choose not to become biological parents for that reason. There is no ethically perfect and painless way to become a parent; the trick is to go into it with open eyes and make the best decision you can based on your code of ethics and guidance from experts.
Parenting takes a lot of energy and stamina. Laundry and dishes are doubled, and chores bleed into the late evening hours because, during the other hours, you’re focused on your child. Can your chronic illnesses keep up with that schedule? On the other hand, your freelancing work might give you a degree of flexibility such that these challenges won’t be as burdensome as for more traditional workers. Parenting rewires your brain and your calendar. You may find yourself less interested in—or simply less available for—your friends and romantic partners. Are you comfortable with that possibility? Does that sound like a net negative, or does the possibility of a new and different kind of love in your life outweigh that?
What I’m trying to get at with these questions is that there is not and never has been a perfect time/age/person/situation/income/schedule to become a parent. So, instead of thinking about the generalized idea of parenthood, think deeply about the details of what your daily life would be like as a parent and see if that life has appeal and feasibility. I would also go to information sessions and do a lot of reading to solidify your opinions around adoption and fostering. Don’t be shy about asking folks about the ethical issues head-on.
I think the more specifically you can research and reflect on your options, the stronger your gut will get. And whichever way you decide, there will be days that you wonder if you made the right choice. Embrace the ambiguity. Unless you are a person who believes in fate, there is not one right answer for you to discover. We simply make the best decisions we can with the information we have. Good luck to you.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter wants a chinchilla. I’ll give her credit: She has been researching the care and feeding of one, veterinary costs, chinchilla psychology, and even the types of habitats they thrive in. But she is 9 and AFRAID OF ANIMALS. I feel like the responsibility may be too much for a 9-year-old to handle, and I’m the most worried that once she gets a chinchilla, she will be afraid of it! She is afraid of our cat, and when we had pet rats (because she wanted a rat) she was afraid of them too! She is afraid of my mom’s dog and any other small dogs as well! I don’t want to get stuck caring for another pet she will be afraid of! How do I tell her it’s not a good idea because she might be afraid of it, without instilling a fear she may not even have of a chinchilla?
—Zookeeper of Fear
Dear Zookeeper,
I love this question because advising people on pet choices used to be part of my day job! Chinchillas are beautiful, charismatic animals, and for the right owner, they can be delightful pets. But they are not for everyone. Because they don’t really like to snuggle and have very specific care needs, they are not pets I’d recommend to a novice owner or anyone who wants more of a companion. (Rabbits fall into that same category, in my opinion.) Chinchillas also can live up to 20 years and are social animals who should be kept in pairs or groups, so it’s not a commitment to be entered into lightly.
Can you pinpoint specific things that make your daughter scared of animals? Given that she loves them so much (from afar), my guess is that it’s their movement, unpredictability, and personal space “violations” that make her so nervous. In this case, a non-cuddlable pet might be a good choice. On the other hand, a rodent darting around its habitat might spook her. If you can uncover her specific triggers, you’ll have more concrete evidence to use when you voice your concerns.
The best way to figure out if she is going to be afraid of the chinchilla is to find ones she can observe and interact with. See if there is a small animal rescue organization near you, or local pet owners, where your daughter could meet a chinchilla. You could also look into your local accredited zoo, as some of them utilize chinchillas as ambassador animals who meet the public. If you can’t find chinchillas, you could try guinea pigs; while not the same animals at all, in terms of care or personality, they’re about the same size and would give you another data point in what your daughter is and isn’t afraid of. (Guinea pigs are great beginner companion pets, by the way.)
Ultimately, the choice to adopt a pet should never be made by crossing your fingers and hoping it works out. Have a frank conversation with her about what you’ve observed and why adopting an animal she has had no exposure to or experience with is not a kind thing to do to the animal. Focusing the conversation on doing right by the animal makes it less about her “failings.” If she’s really committed to the idea, you can make a plan together for how she can become ready for pet ownership.
—Allison
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